If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!