If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
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the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
umm…
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
😭😭😭
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard