If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
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Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
