If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
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Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
3: I want a pair of shoes like yours
Me: how about you ask Santa?!
3: how about we just order them now
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*