Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

Candles never taste the way they smell

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work