If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
how to exercise your calf muscles
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human