Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.