If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
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*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
hello pervert is such a strong opener
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.