If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
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I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
THE DOG😭😭💀
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
car not found
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy