If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
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Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.