Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’re dead?

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”