if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
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#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.