If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
You Might Also Like
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
🐕🍷
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
what the hell pray for carter everyone
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat