Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.