If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.