If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
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huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!