Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

Creepy-crawlies

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth