If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Gods work.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.