Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.