If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
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every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT