If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
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My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?