If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
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Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Happy Febuary everyone!
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂