If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
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*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
My dress code is business-casualty.
Got a light
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.