If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
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Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
doing your own taxes
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
😭😭😭
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Monday?
No. Next question.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]