If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
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If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
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ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
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FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
live long and prosper!
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no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
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Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.