If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
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I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
why neck hurt
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.