If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
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Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…