Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.