If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
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Oh thanks BBC.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.