Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.