If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
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I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.