If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
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Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.