If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
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First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.