Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”