If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
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“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: