If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
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there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Reporter: *ports again*
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
weddings should have a worst man
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
You are not alone 💚
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
