If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
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You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.