Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

I’m ready for Halloween this year

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life