Don’t forget to tip your server
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
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If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
There’s a whale in France that can say hello out of its blowhole and I still can’t manage chrysanthemum on the first try.
GOD: make it orange & give it a fat tail
GOD: and make it sneaky
ANGEL: you sure?
GOD: yeah… real sneaky
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Either the guy in the waiting room just sneezed or was shot four times by invisible bullets.