If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
You Might Also Like
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars