@Mardigroan

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

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@RepoMan_617

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

@Kamikaze_Blonde

There’s a whale in France that can say hello out of its blowhole and I still can’t manage chrysanthemum on the first try.

@trojansauce

[creating foxes]

GOD: make it orange & give it a fat tail
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and make it sneaky
ANGEL: you sure?
GOD: yeah… real sneaky

@BigJDubz

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

@mijamtweets

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

@SvnSxty

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

@jordan_stratton

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

@thetobbie

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

@Social_Mime

Either the guy in the waiting room just sneezed or was shot four times by invisible bullets.