If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
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Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Ugh
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.