Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

Plumber: I think I found the problem

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”