If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
You Might Also Like
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.