Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

Tell the colonel to bring it

smh

Dance like you’re not the father

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.