Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

A great tip. #CakeRex

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.