Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The news in a nutshell.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

Mapping America’s Far Right

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.