Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.