Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

👍

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

who did the taste test?

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming