Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

i really liked this one

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more