Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.