Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

handsome & gretel

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

some Old Testament wisdom

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards