If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.