If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

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Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…


My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.


“Why is my heart palpitating?”

-Me, after chasing a pint of ice cream and a hamburger with Death Wish coffee.


I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.


Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.


Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.


A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”


[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead


It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.


Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44