Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

He died doing what he loved: being alive

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

😂