Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs