If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
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When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.