If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
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“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight