Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

i love modern commerce

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.