If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
We need it on priority
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.
I’ve been learning to cook.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex