Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

They must have gotten it to go.

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave