If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room