Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

Plant care tips

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.