Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

ATMs should have breathalyzers

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers