If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
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I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
When your man makes a valid point
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE