Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

Why are bridges so flammable.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?