If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
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her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
dam girl
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Very good! 👍😂
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Just a friendly reminder!
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.