If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
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One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
the council will decide your fate
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”