If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
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[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?