Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

“What movie?” 🤔

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

#ProTip

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨