Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

started wrapping my pills in cheese

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.