If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
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If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say