If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?