If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
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I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I have never related to anyone more.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend