If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
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Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.