If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
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I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”